Monthly Archives: October 2012

This is a bit of my experience after I fully rejected God, thinking that the churches I had known somehow had it right about Him.  It was only after this that I began to understand how my impressions of God were so wrong, so warped by the cult churches my parents had gravitated to.

“I don’t know if it was paranoia or the fact that my mind was set free to create whatever it would, or if there were really demons or other spirits that waited just outside the bounds of vision. I only know that during that time I began to sense things in the dark hours before the dawn. Many nights I would lay awake, alone in

 my apartment and become convinced that there were things out there. Perhaps it was roaches or mice in the walls, I do not know and I would not be at all surprised if there were a mundane explanation for the sense of other presences I got. Whether I was truly sensing the presence of other things or simply suffering from an overactive imagination does not really matter. Yet there was a difference. I did not hear skittering in the walls or squeaking. I sensed something in the darkness and the texture, the essence of the darkness was not normal. I would like to believe it was roaches or mice but I’ve lived in houses with mice and I know what they sound like. What frightened me was no sound, it was the sense of other presences. Regardless, what matters is that I became frightened. Not for my physical self, although there was some of that, my fear ran far deeper than death.
Night after night my fear and certainty grew until I turned to the only one I knew who allegedly had greater power than the powers I was toying with. All uncertain and unwilling to accept everything I had been taught about Him, I prayed. I did not expect anything. A capricious and proud god would not have any reason to bother to listen to me simply because I was female. Turning to paganism and witchcraft was only pouring fuel on the fire of my apostasy. Yet when I cried out to Him in fear, He answered me. I felt His love like a soothing balm on the lacerated places in my soul and the things in the darkness fled before His light. I saw the darker shadows flee while the normal darkness remained.
I was stubborn, still am truth be told. I knew the dark things that hovered on the edges of the shadows would flee before the power of His name and so I used it but I did not accept Him. I would not follow Him. I used the power of His name to protect myself and He allowed it, knowing that I rejected Him. I refused to say that I loved Him because I did not and I would not perjure myself before Him or anyone by confessing to an emotion I did not feel. I did not trust Him and I would not willingly return for long to the places where He was worshiped.”

I am honored to have my first book published.  It’s a very personal book detailing my journey through cult like churches and how I first fled from God and found my way back.

Here is an excerpt from one of the chapters entitled Do Not Abuse the Name of my God:

It offends me deeply when someone name drops God or Jesus to manipulate others. It is a misuse of the name of God and a crime against God and His children. The name Jesus is not a magical incantation against evil. It is not a verbal hashtag to let people know how holy or pious one is. To use those names in such a way is demeaning and devalues the sacredness of the faith they come from. It smacks of superstition, especially when used by people who don’t live their faith, they just talk it.